Bar Jokes

Ethel, The Camel ~ A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well, Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And, Sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Ethel, The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I do understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "So, is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town . . . . where the girls are."

A crusty old biker ~ On a ride at the Lake, a crusty old biker walks into a bar and sees a sign which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1,000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a eager group of non-locals. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

How Did the EvrReady Bunny Die ~ They put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming and coming and coming! CAUTION: IF YOU EXPERIENCE ERECTIONS FOR LONGER THAN 4 HOURS PLEASE CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN

Quick Wit ~ I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Having a Drink ~ A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. 'Magic Beer,' he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?' 'Yes, I'll show you.' He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.' He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.' She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'

Death ~ When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Bad Ass Drunk ~ An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, the decided the latest stomach grumbling was yet another and stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bedding with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond is ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. as the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

Hunter for Life ~ A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 90-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a moment, and then began... I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting-off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home, and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang.' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point, exactly."

HELGA NEEDS A BEER ~ It was a hot day in Minnesota . Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street . She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?" She walked in and took a seat at the bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer" "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

Best Friends ~ Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch....