Bar Jokes

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called BUNK BEDS. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

A guy walk into the Redneck Bar and orders a white wine. The place goes kind of quiet and the bartender says, "You ain't from around here are yah feller?". The guy replies, "No, I'm from Canada!". The bartender asks, "what do yuh do up thar in Canada, Mister?". The Canadian tells the bartender, "I'm a taxidermist!". The bartender says, "What's that, yuh drive a taxi yuh mean?". The Canadian kind of snickers and says, "No I mount animals!". The bartender looks around at the locals and says, "It's OK fella's, he's one of us!".

As the bartender prepared to open for the day, the phone rings and it is the cook. The cook proceeds to tell him that he wouldn't be in today because he had "Anal Glaucoma". The bartender says oh that sounds serious what is it? The cook replied "I just don't see my butt coming to work today."

Quickie in the Bushes ~ There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years. One day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh yes let's, but this time let's change positions, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!"

Bar Specials ~ A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, 'Bartender do you have any specials?' The Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.' The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that? 'The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'

Brokeback Ranch ~ A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

Five Little Pigs ~ A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart. So they decided to drive 30 miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5a.m. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How Will I know if they are pregnant?' The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in The morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, They're not. The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me Whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass. 'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon, honking the horn!''

Ethel, The Camel ~ A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well, Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And, Sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Ethel, The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I do understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "So, is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town . . . . where the girls are."

A crusty old biker ~ On a ride at the Lake, a crusty old biker walks into a bar and sees a sign which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1,000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a eager group of non-locals. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."